Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
