Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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