Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
