smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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