I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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