I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
