did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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