I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we're making bets on your personal life
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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