I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
