i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize