Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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