I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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