Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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