I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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