Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
