I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
