I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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