that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He better not be in your backpack
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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