Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
