Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
