What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
