Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
