Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
