i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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