What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
