Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
