the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
50% drunk capacity currently
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
