I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
