So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
