Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dear god my vagina.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
