I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
