Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
