I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
