checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
