Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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