you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
