I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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