she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
