a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize