Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
