i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In America we eat man semen.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
