He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
