that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
