Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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