Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I need a beard to bite.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
