living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
