Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
