I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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