In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
