I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
