Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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