Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
