So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
