my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
