the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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