you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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