omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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