i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
