My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
