Got a toothbrush?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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