hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
