I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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