There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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