i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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