Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
