I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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