dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
