put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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