Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
