I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
