my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
